STARS, STRIPES & SPRAY TANS Written by Camera Obscura
FADE IN:
EXT. CHADLEY MANSION – DRIVEWAY – DAY BEFORE THE 'COUP'
A gleaming white, rhinestone-covered SUV wrapped in an American flag sits ready. License plate reads: FREEDOMZ. Glittery bumper stickers say things like “Don’t Tread on Me (unless you’re hot)” and “1776% Done.”
INT. CHADLEY MANSION – KITCHEN NOOK – MORNING
KAYCEE VON CHADLEY (20s, gym body, conspiracy brain) scrolls her phone while stirring an adaptogen latte labeled "Freedom Fuel." She wears a flag-themed robe over Lululemon.
BLAYKE VON CHADLEY (20s, tanned, influencer aura) enters, holding up her phone with breathless excitement.
BLAYKE
Kayce. Babe. LibertyLover69 just dropped a new episode. He says the deep state is storing the real Constitution under the Capitol.
KAYCEE
Wait—is that like National Treasure?
BLAYKE
Exactly. But hotter. He said we’re in a war, like a spiritual war, and also kind of like a CrossFit challenge?
KAYCEE
(nods solemnly)
Yeah, that tracks.
INT. CHADLEY MANSION – INFLUENCER ROOM – LATER
A wall of ring lights, several selfie sticks, and a green screen that’s currently displaying an eagle in slow motion. They’ve rehearsed this.
KAYCEE
Y’all. We’ve been silenced for too long. Shadowbanned. Ghosted. It ends January 6th.
BLAYKE
This is the *hot girl* revolution. We’re not just influencers—we’re founding mothers.
They slap a red, white, and blue logo across the screen: “Stars, Stripes & Spray Tans: Liberty Edition.”
INT. GYM – DAY
LIBERTYLOVER69 (30s, buff, conspiracy CrossFitter) is leading a "Patriot Boot Camp" in the back of a strip mall. American flags hang over the squat racks. Boot Smoke fills the air from lavender eucalyptus vape pens.
A crowd of thirty wannabe revolutionaries in yoga pants and cargo shorts listen with bated breath.
LIBERTYLOVER69
When tyranny knocks, you answer with QUADS. When the libs say masks, we say DEADLIFT.
He slams a kettlebell onto a copy of The Federalist Papers. Cheers erupt.
BLAYKE and KAYCEE record everything.
KAYCEE
(to Blayke)
Is this more like Coachella… or, like, war?
BLAYKE
If there’s a photo op, I’m in.
INT. CHADLEY CLOSET – NIGHT
They prepare outfits like it’s a coup-themed fashion week. Red PVC trench coats. Camo miniskirts. Glitter cowboy boots. A Lincoln top hat bedazzled with rhinestones that came from a Nashville bachelorette party.
KAYCEE
Nude heels say I'm neutral—but dangerous.
BLAYKE
Stilettos. Nothing says "don’t tread on me" like imported Italian leather.
They pack their bags with signs (“FREE BRITNEY AND ALSO AMERICA”), flag-themed protein bars, and backup lashes.
INT. SUV – EARLY MORNING
BLAYKE
If we die today… let it be in full glam.
KAYCEE
Amen. And contour.
EXT. WASHINGTON D.C. – SUV CAM – DAY
Patriotic music blasts. The girls are live streaming from multiple angles, phones mounted like GoPros of delusion.
KAYCEE
We are *minutes* from Destiny. And yes, we *did* stop for iced coffee. Freedom needs caffeine.
BLAYKE
Smells like liberty. Or vape juice. Honestly, both.
Live comments scroll: @FoundingMommy: You're going the wrong way @CapitolTourGuide23: That’s the Lincoln Memorial @TruthOrDerp: You’re literally in the wrong zip code
KAYCEE
(reading)
"Wrong building?" Um, these columns are *giving* Capitol.
EXT. LINCOLN MEMORIAL – MOMENTS LATER
They leap out, heels first, full glam. They charge the steps like it’s their birthright.
BLAYKE
Pelosi! We know you're in there!
KAYCEE
COME OUT AND DEBATE US!
They plant a glitter flag in front of Lincoln’s statue.
PARK RANGER (O.S.)
Ladies... this is the Lincoln Memorial.
BLAYKE
Then where’s the Senate?
KAYCEE
Isn’t this where Hamilton happened?
INT. SUV – LATER
Hair frizzy. Glitter smudged. Eating pretzels angrily. The ring light flickers in disappointment.
KAYCEE
We stormed the *wrong* building. And we didn’t even trend.
BLAYKE
And *nobody* even arrested us. Is patriotism dead?
KAYCEE
I wore heels for this coup.
FADE OUT.
TITLE CARD: COMING SOON – "STARS, STRIPES & SPRAY TANS 2: THE DECLARATION OF DEPENDS"
#FreedomFOMO #OopsWrongCoup #GlitterForLiberty